Ever since Sean Connery first uttered the words in1962′s Dr. No, I believe that our country has gotten the martini all wrong. Shaken, not stirred? You have to be kidding me. Shaking a martini just screws the whole damn thing up unless you are fru-fruing it with cranberry and orange juice or countless other mixers. If this is what you consider a martini, then in that case, all is well because you are not drinking a martini but a mixed drink. Shake the crap outta that one America.
Who the hell made Sean Connery or Ian Fleming experts in the field of mixology? Granted, I don’t know my ass from my elbow for many drinks, but I do know how to make a dirty, extra dirty and damn that is one dirty bitch martini. Shaken? My buddy from high school says that it is ok to shake it lightly. He calls it “bruised.” I have been bruised several hundred times in my life and never found any one of those experiences enjoyable. The same goes for a martini. Bruised? Call it what it is man, it’s shaken at that point. Get over it.
Shaking a martini adds air into the mix. The martini turns cloudy when you shake it. Right? If I am wrong, call me out on it. Sack up little camper. Air changes the taste and consistency in all forms of cooking. Take baking for example. If I whisk enough air into my butter, sugar and eggs, the consistency of my batter and therefore my end product changes significantly. In this case it is usually a turn for the better. In savory cooking, if we add air into our eggs by beating them for ten minutes, we get lighter, fluffier egg. Great if you like that kind of egg. Now let’s add air into our fresh made apple juice. Turns it brown. The taste is still good, but it is brown. Same for avocado. Enough said about adding air into things because I think we can all agree that it changes the end product. The martini is no different.
Stirring a martini allows for careful inflection on exactly how you want the drink. You can stir like a madman and get the same effect of shaking, but you will draw curious stares from other patrons of the establishment. Screw em, it’s your drink. I enjoy my martini on the rocks and actually just poke at the drink to mix it up a bit. On occasion I have been known to stir, but that usually only happens when I am deep in conversation and am slowing the pace a bit. When you have a stir stick or pick loaded with olives, there is just something right about stirring a martini.
I can appreciate those of you who take your martini’s ”up” as there is a uniqueness to the martini glass that allows even the most macho of men to drink from them. It is harder to master the wine glass when you are out with the guys and even more so with the champagne flute, but the martini glass is a hard one to argue. Probably because it is full of 80 proof high octane fuel that the other sissies at your table can’t handle. Close your legs, gentlemen. I like mine on the rocks because the melting ice continues to replenish my glass as the minutes pass. The bite from the brine tends to mellow and the last sip is simply heaven on your lips.
So one might ask just how I landed on the dirty martini as my drink of choice. It came about as more of a quest than a choice. Over a decade ago, I was told by the father of an ex-girlfriend of mine that I should pick my drink and stick with it. People will know what you drink and can buy it for you then. Good advice, I thought. I started on my quest for the Holy Cocktail. I floated around for a couple years trying to figure it out and always came back to the same conclusion. My Cocktail was so easy to find. So what exactly is my drink? You may be saying “a dirty martini, stupid.” It’s more than just that. I have been ordering the following drink for 12 years “Yes, I would like a (insert belvedere, gray goose, Thor’s hammer, kettle one, three olives) on the rocks, extra dirty with… ummm… do you have blue cheese olives? No? Ok. Three olives for luck then. Thank you. Also, no vermouth please.”
Notice I never say stirred, not shaken. This only happens in the 1967 You Only Live Once. Yes, I am using wikipedia to get my Bond facts, but at least I am taking the extra step. It’s the digital age. When you order on the rocks, most bartenders don’t take the time to put it into a shaker. That’s good news. When you walk into an establishment, check out the bartender first. If they look like a “go-getter” then you had better give explicit instructions. If they look like they just are having a good time, then no worries mon.
Here’s a quick side-note to any bartender that puts vermouth into a dirty martini: you should really get your head examined. Vermouth tastes like crap in a dirty. The very first taste you can tell that vermouth has muddied the waters. Send it back if you get one like this. And then keep sending it back until they get it right. Sooner or later they will figure out that something is wrong or they will run out of their little bottle of vermouth. Nasty swill.
So where is the recipe? Right here:
Dirty Martini Recipe:
1 low ball glass, chock full of ice
6 green olives in brine with pimientos removed
Olive brine
1 package crumbled blue cheese
1 fifth or handle of your vodka of choice
Special Equipment: Martiniware Olive Injector, olive pick
Fill up the olive injector with blue cheese. Run this under HOT water for about 30 seconds. Inject blue cheese into the olives. Quick Tip: Put the base of the injector on the counter and hold with your hand. Place olive on tip and just push down on the injector to fill the olive. Quick and easy.
Fill glass with ice, chock to the brim. Pour in vodka of choice to about 3/4 full for a super dirty martini. Complete the pour with olive brine.
Skewer olives with the pick. I suggest three per drink, simply because that is good luck. Why? I am not sure, it just is, trust me. Use the olive skewer to stir the drink to your preferred mixation level.
Don’t rush this cocktail, just let it linger. Most people think it tastes like ocean water. That’s ok, let them enjoy their Budweiser.
Tips & Tricks for this martini:
1. The Martiniware Olive Injector is about the greatest thing to come along for making dirty martini’s since vodka. I used to be one of those a-holes sticking my hands into the blue cheese and trying to jam it into the privates of that delicate olive. Gentle, big boy… there has to be a better way. Well, there is. Fill up this injector with your topping of choice (roasted garlic works great, as does any type of soft cheese or cheese spread) and you can expect to fill up to about a dozen olives mess free. Clean-up is a breeze since this whole setup is top-shelf dishwasher safe. I have filled probably 500 olives with mine in the last five years and it still works as well as the day Caroline gave it to me. Just one of the many reasons I love her.
2. Don’t cross contaminate. If you are going to be stuffing your olives, don’t use the same utensils for the olives as you use for the blue cheese. The bacteria from the cheese will mold your olives in the jar in just about a week. This lesson comes free from a man who has suffered from many, many lost jars of olives. It is even worse when you have conserved that precious brine and forgotten this important lesson. Pour one out for my homies. Literally.
3. Don’t always go for the big glass. Enjoy this in a glass with sentimental value. After your third dirty of the night, it will give you something to talk about to yourself when everyone else has tuned you out. Enjoy the moment.
4. Many people have told me that it doesn’t matter what type of vodka is used in a dirty martini because it is technically a mixed drink. My outrage has been stifled at this comment for way too long. I get it if you are drinking a vodka sprite, since the sickeningly-sweet-lemon-lime-high-fructose-corn-syrup flavor completely masks the vodka flavor. Take the well vodka because you can’t taste it. Same goes for cranberry, orange, pineapple or whatever else you are mixing in with the exception of lemon. The olive brine simply adds another dimension of flavor. It does not mask the flavor of the vodka and you certainly can tell the rubbing alcohol of Korski versus the subtle demeanor of Belvedere. Adding dirt to your drink doesn’t muddy the water as the name implies, it just adds complexity to the drink. Also, keep in mind that you are drinking a lot of alcohol in this drink. The hangover consequence from drinking well or bottom-shelf will be disastrous.
5. Never order a Belvedere on the rocks, dirty with three blue cheese olives. Order the following: “Double Belvedere on the rocks, extra dirty with three blue cheese olives for luck. And, no vermouth please.” Next, turn to your table and say “Now that’s a drink.” People can hear the clank of the brass between your legs across the restaurant.
6. If you are ordering it “up” then make sure that you ask for a chilled glass. Any bartender worth their weight will get this step right. It makes all the difference in the world when you are sipping on your one-legged wonder. I also ask for the olives on the side… remember it is your drink to decide just how it should be mixed.
Food parings: I have found that the absolute best food paring can be found at Hyde Park. Order your extra dirty on the rocks, then throw down with the Wedge Salad with extra blue and the steak of your choice, charred rare with flash seared blue cheese on top. Saddle up some hollandaise asparagus and gratin potatoes and you are off to the races.
It’s just that good.
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